1. a precarious situation
I thought about how to introduce myself. How do I tell you who I am? And then I remembered this morning.
This morning when I woke up I had a conversation with myself. Some people have coffee in the mornings, some people hit snooze button and burrow under the blankets for another few minutes, some people smile at their lovers or get up and walk their dogs. Most human beings on this planet have a morning routine; something that lets them know everything in their world is as it should be.
I'm no different, so this morning I did what I always do and I had a conversation with myself. Things like what I was going to wear and whether or not I had time to make breakfast. I almost never have time to make breakfast. I stretched, I yawned, I thought about hotcakes from the McDonald's across the street, and then...
Shit, I can't do this. Can I do this?
An uninvited guest, that thought is part of my routine. It lets me know that everything in my world is...not as it should be but definitely as it was yesterday. It's my life-or-death question. The moment when I make a decision about whether this will be the day I die.
There are so many strange things about being Bipolar but my fear of death is the strangest. Almost everyone is afraid of death but death, to me, is not a terminal illness, a tragic accident, a violent murder.
For me, death is losing sight of who I am. It's going crazy; giving in. So, every day when I wake up my brain asks me if I'm tired of fighting. Yesterday the answer was maybe. Today the answer was no. I ignored the anger I felt at having to take pills every day and I took the pills anyway. I ignored the scissors on the nightstand and, in the shower, I ignored the razor blades too. This is the precipice where I make my home and in this place even the smallest victories matter.
It's almost 12:30pm now and the answer to this morning's question is still no. When I wondered how I would sum myself up in a few paragraphs that's what came to me, that's what I thought was most important; the fact that I always find a way to say no.
Nicely done, Lea Ann. So much sounds familiar. My daughter, myself and several nieces struggle with the same disorder and the other little one thrown in, ADHD. I know what it feels like to always feel different and knowing something isn't right. It is a day to day thing, and there are many good days too if I manage them right. For me that is keeping myself distracted with busyness (reading, crafts, cooking,gardening etc) and accomplishing tasks like re-decorating or manic Spring cleaning regardless of the season. Working at the library (now two days a week), or outings with friends and family keep me from being the complete hermit I seem to prefer. These things help to keep me up and positive.
ReplyDeleteMy dear husband once told me he was never sure day to day which version of me would show up. The upbeat hyper-active me or the reclusive depressed me who is often in a unpleasant mood. The poor guy has perfected the art of tiptoeing until he's sure it's safe to proceed.
Meds were not helpful for me, some making me much worse and the others no perceived difference to make it worth staying on them. I've simply built lots of coping mechanisms and know when to retreat and get myself together again. I piss people off sometimes with my moods, but I just do the best I can knowing that I at least try to do my best.
Anyway, your blog sounds like a good idea, hope it helps to reach out and share with others. Wish you all the best!!
Thanks Dee. :)
ReplyDeleteThat's got to be hard that meds don't work for you. I'm glad you have your coping mechanismas though. It's completely true that it's a day-to-day thing and you just have to remember that you're doing the best you can. It's always hard for me not to get down on myself when I don't have a good day.
I'm glad you stopped by! :)
Love you Sparkle Toes! Glad you're doing this, I know that it will help!
ReplyDeleteLove you too, Skinamarink. :)
DeleteLove you babe, this sounds like such a great idea! I'm always around too if you wanna talk :D
ReplyDeleteLove you too, darlin'. Thanks for reading. :) I know you're there and I adore you for being there. *hugs*
DeleteI am in awe of your strength and honesty! I'm not sure I could do the same. You are amazing and I cannot wait to meet you IRL.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sadonna. :)
DeleteI can't wait to meet you either. This post was a lot harder to write than I thought it would be. Thank you for taking the time to read it. *hugs*
your an amazing girl Laddie!!
ReplyDeleteyour strength is something i wish i have... I suffer from depression and wish i was more like you Xoxo
Ang (from our email group)
Awww thanks, Ang!! I happen to think you're pretty amazing. *hugs*
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